Sometimes I just don't want to leave the house. What are your top three workout video recommendations?

You may not like this answer but I don't recommend workout videos. There are too many choices out there. The most important thing is consistency. Any sort of movement for at least 30 minutes is great. I don't care what it is.

Billy Blanks, Jane Fonda, Denise Austin...it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you do something. And keep doing it.

I'm intimidated by the meatheads in the weight room and the sheer number of machines. Which ones do I need to be using?

Maybe the meatheads are intimated by you. Here's the deal: You want to try and work every major muscle group. Even if it's just one exercise per muscle group. So here it is:

Chest : Chest press

Back: Seated row

Shoulders: Seated shoulder press

Biceps: Bicep curl machine

Triceps: Tricep pressdowns

Quads: Seated leg extensions

Hamstrings: Seated leg curls

Work your bigger muscles first. This is obviously a very general routine. But try doing it. The key word is doing. Then do it 4 more times and do this 4 times per week. Stick with it and give me 15-20 reps per set.

Are the "calories burned" calculators on the treadmill and elliptical at all accurate?

No chance. It's just an estimate and a way to measure your progress. Remember: There is no such thing as perfection--just progress. You should always be trying to improve, whether it's how many miles you run in 45 minutes, how many calories you burn due to your intensity, or just tracking how your pants fit.

Like with all living things--plants and human beings alike--our purpose is to grow. To improve. To evolve. To mature.

But we can always laugh at farting jokes, right?  Wait, don't answer that.